Where Has All the Color Gone?

What is this coldness in my chest, this gnawing pain that tortures me day and night? Oh, it’s the absence of you.

When you left you took all the color from my world. Now I’m locked in a gray, unsaturated prison of grief that remembers it once danced among a field of crimson flowers.

Photograph by Ideami, from the series, Loneliness.

Is it so Easy to Let Me Go?

“There were many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream-whatever that dream might be.”

Pearl Buck

Today was a cold, dark day, and not just because of the weather. I don’t know what it was that triggered it, but I was completely lost.

I had to run to the ladies’ room to cry, then I cried all the way home from work.

I reached out to you by getting back on WhatsApp. You haven’t read it yet. There’s a tiny shred of hope that you’ll reply, but I doubt it will make any difference.

I just don’t understand how you could excise me from your life with such surgical precision. We connected almost every single day for 16 months, James, and then nothing. It’s shocking to me and disturbing. It makes me wonder if you really loved me as much as you said you did.

I never loved anyone like I love you and being apart from you is tearing me to pieces. Yet not a word from you. Is it so easy to let me go?

I keep going through the past months in my head and how much love you said you had for me. But you never said I was the love of your life. You never said you had never loved anyone like you loved me. Even in my darkest days I cannot believe that you didn’t love me at all, but now I think you didn’t love me enough; certainly not as much as I loved you. That wound is going to leave a permanent mark in my psyche.

You said you were letting me go because you were becoming a burden to me. But that can’t be. I never said anything like that to you or made you feel that way. I have no idea where you got that from. God knows I have a lot going on in my life and maybe I was the one burdening you.

I can be a lot. I know that.

Or maybe you just stopped loving me. I hear there are people that can do that.

Guess what? I’m not one of them.

You’re a Hard Habit to Break

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.” Peter Ustinov

You’re supposed to be able to break a habit in three weeks. Well, it has been over three weeks, James, and you still have quite the hold on me. It’s like you’re in my blood, coursing through my veins.

I know that loving someone like that is a noble thing, but what good is nobility if its reward is pain?

You gave me wings. You were the first person who saw me as I truly was and accepted me. Or am I wrong? Because if you had truly seen me, you wouldn’t have left just because you were sick.

As I’ve tried to tell you, I would take you healthy or sick. If you had 30 hours or 30 years, I would have gladly gone along for the ride, no matter how bumpy or difficult it was. It would have been my honor.

The fact that you didn’t give me a chance to be with you at your darkest hour, especially if this illness takes your life, is cruel. You would never be a burden, James. Why can’t you see that? Why won’t you let me love you like that? Is it a Dom’s pride or do you really think it is the right thing to do?

All I know is that it feels completely wrong to me. You took something away from me; stole it. Now you’ll never know love’s full, healing power.

Painting: Cupid and Psyche by Eugene Medard (1878)

My First Release

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

Three weeks ago today, my Dom, the man I thought I would be with forever, released me. Since then I’ve been sinking slowly in to a dark vacuum of despair; questioning my place in this world.

In my heart I felt I was created to love him; to heal him. And he felt his mission was the same. At least that’s what he said. I’m questioning so many things now.

We were star-crossed from the start. I live in Austin, TX and he lives in London. In the 16 months of our relationship, Sir James and I never met. We Skyped, chatted and emailed almost every single day without fail. Though I never touched him, it was the most intense love affair I’ve ever had.

On February 15, 2014, Sir James and I entered a D/s relationship that would be one of the most fulfilling and beautiful things I’ve ever done in my life. A week shy of our one-year anniversary he ended it with a sad, heartfelt letter.

He did it for altruistic reasons, at least that’s his side of the story. I’m not so sure. I’ll tell you the story on this blog and you can be the judge.

Now that the spell is broken, though the love still has a hold on me, I can look back at all the unanswered questions. He was a mystery from the beginning and maybe I liked that, but mysteries are not always meant to be solved.

After he released me, I begged him several times to reconsider, but as of today I haven’t heard one single word from him. My messages, like many of my prayers, remain unanswered. My heart continues to disintegrate.

I don’t want to become the psycho ex-sub who can’t let go. So instead I’m going to tell him and whoever else wants to listen, exactly what he meant to me and where I am in my struggle to survive the biggest heartbreak of my life.

Everything on this blog is real. It comes from my gut, my heart and my soul.

This is my story.

Painting: Biblis by William Adolphe Bouguereau (1884).