Now What?

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

Only a few weeks ago, I thought James and I would be together forever. I just knew we would grow old together and our love and our bond would deepen with each passing year.

I was wrong.

Now, I’m a sub without a Dom; a lover without love. I feel lost.

I’m much too raw to look for another Dom, at least not now. I believe that love like that comes once, maybe twice, in a lifetime. Now that I’ve lost it, the odds are against me.

So what happens to me now? What does a sub do when she doesn’t want to pursue love, yet needs a teacher, a guide, someone to care for her? Who will calm her, let our her wildness and hold her tight when it gets to be too much?

I have a few options; options that both frighten and exhilarate me.

I took a BDSM test yesterday. Here are my highest scores:

  1. 100% Bondage Receiver
  2. 91% Submissive
  3. 88% Masochist
  4. 88% Slave
  5. 71% Experimentalist
  6. 71% Girl/Boy

My top result, Bondage Receiver, is no surprise. I love to be restrained and played with; to feel completely powerless. The second and third on the list are a given. It was the fourth score that gave me pause: 88% slave.

Truth is I’ve always been intrigued by the Master/slave relationship. But after my breakup, it’s almost all I can think of.

After the initial shock and devastation of my release, I’ve been haunted by a primal desire to be reborn. I fantasize about a powerful, sadistic Dom who can metaphorically kill the woman I once was and replace her with someone else; a new creation who no longer hurts like I’m hurting now.

A fellow sub said she had felt the same need after her last release. This fascinated me. I was not alone in this strange fantasy.

Why would a sub want a Dominant to destroy her, obliterate her and create her again from scratch?

I’m not sure I know the answer. What I do know is that I have some choices to make in my life.

  • Look for Him; my dream Dom, the man I want to spend the rest of my life pleasing
  • Get out of the lifestyle altogether and hope for the best
  • Try something different, a new life that allows me to have sexual and psychological release without worrying about love or “forever”

I’m not strong enough now to look for my dream Dom and there’s no way I’m going to a vanilla life again. That means I have to reinvent myself. But into what? A bottom? A slave? A playmate?

Does that mean I’ll have to have sex for the sake of pleasure alone without mixing it with love? Can I do that? Should I do that?

Ah, that is the question.

I’ve been approached by a few Doms the past few days. One in particular has me thinking. He is married in an open relationship with his sub. They both like to play outside of the marriage. They have asked me if I would consider being with them. I told them I wasn’t sure and that’s the truth.

There are other options too.

I could find a Dom friend that wants to remain a free agent. We could be friends with benefits. No strings attached.

Or maybe I’ll be a bottom and play with several different people.

Would this new direction harm my soul or set it free?

I guess I’ll never know unless I try.

My First Time

It didn’t take long for Carlos to deflower me.

On our first date, we went out to dinner and then he took me to the beach. He had brought a beach blanket with him and we sat there under the stars listening to the sound of waves crashing against the shore. Carlos was quiet and told me had been painfully shy as a boy. He had this calm control of himself that I found alluring.

Carlos was Cuban, I was half Colombian. Our shared Latino culture bonded us. Though I have inherited most of my father’s German and Irish features, I did feel Latina down to my bones and was raised way more Latin than American. And, yes, I know that Latin Americans are technically Americans too, but that’s just how we say it.

Carlos was tall with dark skin, black hair, brown eyes. I was a petite, fair-skinned blonde with green eyes. He was the physical opposite of me and that aroused me tremendously. I’m still turned on by opposites to this day.

As we sat on the blanket, shoulder to shoulder, I mused at how light my skin was next to his; like a bowl of cream next to a bowl of chocolate.

Pensive, he looked at the stars and then at me. His kiss was the best kiss I had ever had; a complex sensual dance that made me throb in all the right places. I think maybe it was at that moment that I fell in love with him. There’s just something about uniting to a man with a kiss; something deeper than the physical.

Soon after we began kissing, he wriggled his hand under the front of my jeans and fingered me while he pinched my nipples. I swear I was so shocked that I couldn’t move. I let out a weak protest, followed by a guttural sound as the orgasm escaped my body. I had never had a boy touch me in any of those parts before. It was so forbidden, but my mouth forgot how to say no. Truth is, he never asked for permission.

My body was buzzing, electric. I could feel that this man was waking something up; something powerful and dangerous that I never dared disturb before.

He licked my juices off his fingers, which stunned me. “Do you touch yourself like I just touched you?” he asked, his face was a mix of curiosity and concern.

I blushed. “Sometimes.”

“Do you cum?”

I stared at the patterns of the blanket for a while. “Yes, but it feels better when you do it,” I whispered.

He smiled and nodded. “Good. We’ll make sure that happens a lot.”

He took my hand and pressed it against the front of his jeans. “You’ve made me very hard,” he said as he made me trace the outline of his cock behind his jeans.

“I’m sorry,” I said, innocently.

He tried not to laugh, he really did.

On the second date, we went to his house and watched Like Water for Chocolate–a movie he had selected for this occasion. I was wearing a short pink sun dress with spaghetti straps. We watched the movie, lying down next to each other on his couch, my back to his front, as he played with my nipples and kissed my neck. It was an appropriate movie since I was all water by the time the credits rolled.

He excused himself and was gone for what seemed like a long time. When he returned, he wrapped his large hand around mine and pulled me into his bedroom. The room was filled with the soft, warm glow of candles. It was incredibly romantic. My first time was going to be epic!

Slowly, he peeled off my clothes as I trembled. When he slid my panties off, he inhaled deeply and his features changed; his calm demeanor now replaced with primal hunger.

He lay me on his bed, face up. He undressed in front of me. God, he was beautiful. He was a firefighter and a part-time model. He had the most amazing chiseled abs, which he informed me helped him thrust even harder. I was enthralled by the “V” of his pelvic girdle.

male nude abs

When he took off his pants, I saw his erection. I had never seen one and it kind of scared me. He smiled that wicked smile of his and crawled on the bed, his face between my legs.

Oh my God!!

Let’s just say that when Carlos dies, his tongue should be bronzed. Not only did he truly enjoy skating his tongue along the flower of my sex, but he brought me to orgasm after orgasm until I thought I would faint from erotic exhaustion.

I knew what was going to happen next and I was ready. More than ready.

“Have you ever seen a man ejaculate?” he asked me.

I blinked. “No.” I can’t imagine where an innocent virgin like me would have seen such a thing.

That’s when he did something that surprised and confused me. He started masturbating in front of me. He came quietly, his essence shooting up into the air several feet.

I was speechless and throbbing.

“It’s been a long time,” he said, as if that explained anything to me.

Carlos cleaned himself up, crawled on top of me, his muscled arms pinning me to the bed. Then he kissed me over and over again, his cock sliding along the slit between my mounds, but he didn’t push himself inside me. I moaned in agony while I asked myself, why weren’t we having sex? Was something wrong with me?

He looked at me suddenly and said, “I’m not going to go all the way in. You’re not ready yet.”

I was sure there was no way I could be more ready, but he was the experienced one so I nodded in agreement.

He used his hand to guide his cock into that cavern of lust that no man had explored before. One tiny centimeter after another until I gasped. At some point an imaginary door appeared; a door that wouldn’t open. I clenched.

“Relax,” he whispered into my ear.

I tried to, I really did, but I couldn’t.

Carlos didn’t seem upset with me at all.

On our next date, I wore a white linen dress and white lace panties. No bra. I remember that night so well. We watched an action movie at the local movie theater. During the flick, he thumbed my nipples through the arm opening of my dress until they were as hard as little pebbles. I was so wet that I was afraid my excitement would bloom through the light linen fabric.

We left, got in his car and he looked at me with a grimace. “I’m sorry,” he said.

Before I could ask him what he was sorry about, he gave me an order. “Take off your panties.”

I was going to protest, we were in a packed parking lot, but his eyes turned intense. “Now.”

I quickly slipped them off and once I had, he grabbed me roughly and dragged me on top of him. He was in the driver’s seat and I was straddling him, my bare, wet pussy on top of the coarse fabric of his jeans. While I was still on top of him, he unzipped his fly and freed his cock.

Carlos looked like a feral animal. I was scared. How could this romantic, gentle man want to do this here, now? But there was no question that’s exactly what he wanted.

“This is going to hurt.” With that he shoved his cock inside me and I let out a small scream as my back arched. With one thrust, he had broken through the door.

His car windows were tinted, but I was sure all the moviegoers around us could see what was happening.

After the first few thrust, it didn’t hurt anymore. I felt filled with him. Though I didn’t understand why, I loved how he had taken me like that. It’s an amazing feeling to see a self-controlled man lose control because he wants you so much.

I also learned an interesting lesson: action movies turn men on. Note taken.

I looked down at his cock as it pistoned inside me. I stared at it, fascinated by this dark column of muscle disappearing into my body. In and out, in and out. Over and over again until I had an orgasm unlike any other I had before. The only way I can describe the difference between a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral one is that a vaginal orgasm is deeper and makes you feel whole while a clitoral one is more of a beautiful, electric release. They’re both wonderful, but when you have both at the same time, it is complete and absolute bliss.

The following day, Carlos took me every which way in his house. We had sex for hours. We did it on the bed, the couch, the floor, the bathtub. Even the kitchen sink. He was insatiable and I was surprised to find out that I was too.

couple-in-bed-008

As I watched him sleep in the nude next to me, the sheet barely covering his manhood, I thought to myself: I’m glad I waited because if I had let this beast out when I was in my teens, what would have become of me?

I had a religious friend ask me why I had let him take my virginity. I simply said,

“Because he deserved it.”

I had always been very religious and therefore, repressed, but this connection, this union between a man and a woman beat that hands down. Sex was the melding of the physical, spiritual, psychological and emotional worlds of two human beings. Powerful stuff indeed and created by God to be this amazing for a reason. No sermon had ever moved me like this. From then on, I knew that intimate sex with someone I loved was more meaningful to me that anything else. I wanted to concentrate on my lover and on him alone. Nothing made me happier than pleasing him. Let the rest of the world be damned. This was my calling.

For the next few weeks, Carlos showed me how to please him. He took me whenever and wherever he wanted. A crowded beach, at lunch at a restaurant, an alley behind a bookstore. He used me for his pleasure, grabbing my hair, pinning me down, slapping my ass and shoving himself inside me without preamble while also showing incredible tenderness at times. It was amazing, but it didn’t last.

Carlos was a fabulous and skilled lover, but he didn’t quite know how to navigate the hours between sex. After satiating himself, he would tune me out completely. I felt so alone, so discarded. I tried to break up with him because that upset me so much, but he would just seduce me again. It was obvious I was powerless under his spell. The night before I ended it, he said, “Next time, I’m going to tie you up and shave you. I’ll show you things…”

Those words, and the promise they held, have haunted me for years. How different would things be if I had not broken up with him, at least not before he tied me up and “showed me things”?

I didn’t know it then, but I’m pretty sure Carlos was a Dom. At the very least he was a very dominant man.

Though he couldn’t manage the  emotional side of a relationship, he set my sexual beast free.

And I’ve been wrestling with it ever since.

What is it About Vampires?

“Evil is a point of view.
God kills indiscriminately and so shall we.”

Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice

My fascination with vampires started in college. I was taking a night class when I met a strange and beautiful girl named Serena. She had short platinum blonde hair, crazy gorgeous cheekbones, blue eyes lined with black kohl and pouty red lips. And she was as pale as any person I had ever seen. Unnaturally so.

Serena stared at me all during class as she bit her pen and twirled it between her fingers. Was it my short skirt revealing my firm thighs or maybe my nipples showing through my t-shirt? No, it had to be my hair. Even as a child I had caught other girls smelling it and touching it. I was nineteen and at that age, my blonde, wavy hair reached the swell of my ass much to the enchantment of men and women who were so inclined.

I’m not into women, never have been, but this one wouldn’t let up. One night after class, I decided to break the spell by introducing myself.

She smiled and stared at my neck.

I mean, really.

Reflexively, I covered my throat with my hand.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m training to be a vampire and you smell delicious.”

Well, now I had heard everything. “You’re training to be a what?”

She smiled again. “A vampire.”

I was speechless. I laughed nervously. “You know those aren’t real, right?”

“Oh, we’re real,” she said, licking her lips. “But not like the vampires in movies. We don’t need to drink blood to survive and we’re not dead. We can see our reflection in the mirror and we love garlic in our pasta.”

“Isn’t that pretty much what a vampire is, though?”

“That’s not how we see it.”

Turns out that Serena was part of a clan of vampires comprised of college students. They had gotten into “vampire life” after reading Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire.

Okay, so it’s a bunch of crazy college kids having some fun with role playing.

Not according to Serena. To them, it was a lifestyle.

They only came out at night and shunned the sun. They had blocked all sunlight from their bedrooms. Some went as far as getting their teeth filed in the shape of fangs. Others slept in coffins. They enjoyed their control over others.

And, oh, yeah, they drank human blood.

Serena must have noticed my horror. “We have donors, it’s not like we kill people or anything. Plus, the donors are tested for diseases before we drink their blood.”

“Donors?”

“Yes,” she said, closing in on me. “Would you like to donate to a poor girl vampire in training?”

Vampire - the turning by Randis Albion

Though I was a fine arts student and therefore quite open-minded, I was also extremely innocent about men, sex and certainly about dark things like vampires. I had gone to a strict parochial school where dabbling in this “lifestyle” would most certainly be a big, fat sin that would send me straight to hell.

When my mouth finally remembered how to work I politely declined her offer.

However, I bought the book the next day. Oh. My. God. It was the darkest, sexiest thing I had ever read. It opened up something inside of me and I swear I was never the same after that.

Since the 1800s, vampires have been captivating readers and movie goers, but they weren’t completely eroticized until Anne Rice got a hold of them.

These days we have Twilight, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries and on and on.

But why are we so in love with these dark, blood sucking creatures? Well, let’s think about some of the key vampire traits and what they might tell us about our psyche.

  • They can manipulate humans with their eyes and their words (control)
  • They are master seducers who lust after your blood and your body (seduction)
  • They are charming and intelligent (magnetism)
  • They stay young and beautiful forever (immortality)
  • They drink blood, usually from your neck, your wrists or the inside of your thighs (sensuality)
  • They don’t care about your protests, silly human, you are, after all, FOOD (animalistic)
  • They’re immortal, strong, and fast (power)

In other words, you are at their mercy, to the point that you might faint and your blouse might pop all its buttons as you drape your back over his strong arms. It happens.

Unless you can wield that wooden stake just right without them noticing, you don’t stand a chance against a vampire. They’re going to get their way no matter what, so it’s better if you just let go and submit to their will. Anyway, even though they may suck you dry and it might hurt, you’ll love every minute of it.

Hmm, what does that remind you of?

Let’s cut to the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon, which was born from middle-aged fans of Twilight. E.L. James took this group’s love of vampires and turned the exhilarating control and skillful seduction of a vampire into the story of an experienced Dom and his virgin submissive.

So what is it about vampires? They’re Doms, that’s what. And Doms are intoxicating beings who make subs do all sorts of things they would never ever do for anyone else or under any other circumstances. Trust me, I know from experience.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re a militant feminist or completely vanilla, deep down inside that lack of control turns you on. As a bonus it also exonerates you from fault. “Gosh, Daddy, I didn’t meant to give myself to that hot vampire, but he ripped off my nightie, spread my legs apart and made me do it with just one penetrating gaze. It wasn’t my fault!”

When you realize the profound meaning of that last statement is when you begin to crack one of the biggest secrets to women’s sexuality. We’re afraid of it. I certainly was at that age. Even now that I’m a sub, its insatiable hunger scares me sometimes. But if a vampire Dom makes you do it, it’s a guilt-free walk on the wild side.

Despite my fascination with fangs, I never did let Serena feed off my blood. Though sometimes as I walked through the campus parking lot late at night, I’d wonder if her clan was out there… watching me. Maybe one of them was hungry tonight and didn’t want to play by the rules. Maybe he wanted to find an innocent girl and drag her into the bushes by her long blonde hair. He would take her body and her blood. As she lay limp in his arms, helpless and trembling, she would repeat to herself:

“It’s not my fault, he made me do it.”


Featured Post Image: Bittersweet Taste by Ana Fagarazzi

Image within Post: Vampire-The Turning by Randis Albion