Do you Believe in Life after Love?

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”

Steve Maraboli

It’s been four months since my last post. Life has been crazy, but there was no way I was going to miss Valentine’s Day.

This morning I woke up to my Dom’s hand on my thigh as he whispered, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” It was a 180 degree change from where I was this time last year.

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For all of us that have suffered a heartbreak and have felt the soul-crushing loneliness that lies in its wake, you need to hear this. If you’re a submissive who has been released, discarded or broken up with by your Dom/me, you must hear this.

On February 8, 2015, my first Dom, James, broke up with me in a heart-wrenching letter, to spare me–or so he said–from having to care for him through a life-threatening illness. In doing so he shattered me as if I had been made of porcelain and he had dropped me from the top of a three-story building.

I would never abandon a sick lover; that’s not how love works, it’s not how I work. The fact that James took that choice away from me in order to maintain his pride is something that will haunt me forever. I have never felt as much despair and emotional pain as I did that day. Breaking up in a vanilla relationship is one thing, but breaking up in a D/s relationship is something entirely different. One is getting cut with a knife, the other is getting stabbed repeatedly with a broad sword.

Though I didn’t have the date written down, my body and heart remembered. On the one year anniversary of my breakup, I felt a hard, cold knot in my chest. I didn’t know what it was at first. I dismissed it as anxiety and tried to move on with my day, but my heart wouldn’t let me.

I cried during my morning shower, letting the water mix with my tears, hoping to wash these emotions away. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. I’m happy now and in a D/s relationship with a wonderful man. What was wrong with me?

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God, the universe, or whatever you want to call The Powers That Be, would not let me forget. In addition to feeling “off” I received an IM from two long-lost relatives just after that one-year anniversary. One of them suggested we chat on WhatsApp instead of Messenger. That’s where James and I talked the most. I had deleted the app from my phone; after I downloaded it again, the memories kept flooding back. The wound I had worked so hard to heal, re-opened.

I didn’t tell my Dom what I was feeling. Honestly, until I wrote this post, I’m not sure I understood it myself.

All I know is that my current Dom is in it for long haul. He never makes me wonder where I stand or whether or not he’s completely invested in our relationship. I always know he loves me, he’s committed and he’s not going anywhere. And what an amazing feeling that is!

I’ll be honest with you, I tried to resist David’s love and our relationship. I wanted to be on my own and wanted nothing to do with love. But damn it, he loves me so well that despite all my protests, I had to finally take a deep breath and submit my body, my heart and my soul to him.

There’s a great article about the first time you fall in love after a breakup and how much you’ll freak out and resist it: http://thoughtcatalog.com/stephanie-palma/2016/01/the-first-time-you-fall-in-love-after-heartbreak/

I’m relieved I wasn’t the only one that had all those crazy thoughts in their head!

Maybe all the loss I’ve experienced makes me more grateful that David is my Dom and my love. He has also gone through loss and knows the scars it leaves behind. It’s almost as if our past losses unite us even more. We are a team.

Do I believe in life after love? Oh, yes.

It’s almost exactly one year after one of the most horrible losses in my life and I’m in love again. I’m happy. I feel secure in my relationship. I’m also still learning how to love him. Love is not just a feeling, it’s a string of consistent, deliberate actions. I understand that more now than ever.

On this Valentine’s Day, I wish you love in its many forms. Whether you are trying to love yourself or actively seeking love with another, just remember that bliss is just around the corner.

“What you seek is seeking you.”

Rumi

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Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss, 1793 AD by Antonio Canova

 

Now What?

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

Only a few weeks ago, I thought James and I would be together forever. I just knew we would grow old together and our love and our bond would deepen with each passing year.

I was wrong.

Now, I’m a sub without a Dom; a lover without love. I feel lost.

I’m much too raw to look for another Dom, at least not now. I believe that love like that comes once, maybe twice, in a lifetime. Now that I’ve lost it, the odds are against me.

So what happens to me now? What does a sub do when she doesn’t want to pursue love, yet needs a teacher, a guide, someone to care for her? Who will calm her, let our her wildness and hold her tight when it gets to be too much?

I have a few options; options that both frighten and exhilarate me.

I took a BDSM test yesterday. Here are my highest scores:

  1. 100% Bondage Receiver
  2. 91% Submissive
  3. 88% Masochist
  4. 88% Slave
  5. 71% Experimentalist
  6. 71% Girl/Boy

My top result, Bondage Receiver, is no surprise. I love to be restrained and played with; to feel completely powerless. The second and third on the list are a given. It was the fourth score that gave me pause: 88% slave.

Truth is I’ve always been intrigued by the Master/slave relationship. But after my breakup, it’s almost all I can think of.

After the initial shock and devastation of my release, I’ve been haunted by a primal desire to be reborn. I fantasize about a powerful, sadistic Dom who can metaphorically kill the woman I once was and replace her with someone else; a new creation who no longer hurts like I’m hurting now.

A fellow sub said she had felt the same need after her last release. This fascinated me. I was not alone in this strange fantasy.

Why would a sub want a Dominant to destroy her, obliterate her and create her again from scratch?

I’m not sure I know the answer. What I do know is that I have some choices to make in my life.

  • Look for Him; my dream Dom, the man I want to spend the rest of my life pleasing
  • Get out of the lifestyle altogether and hope for the best
  • Try something different, a new life that allows me to have sexual and psychological release without worrying about love or “forever”

I’m not strong enough now to look for my dream Dom and there’s no way I’m going to a vanilla life again. That means I have to reinvent myself. But into what? A bottom? A slave? A playmate?

Does that mean I’ll have to have sex for the sake of pleasure alone without mixing it with love? Can I do that? Should I do that?

Ah, that is the question.

I’ve been approached by a few Doms the past few days. One in particular has me thinking. He is married in an open relationship with his sub. They both like to play outside of the marriage. They have asked me if I would consider being with them. I told them I wasn’t sure and that’s the truth.

There are other options too.

I could find a Dom friend that wants to remain a free agent. We could be friends with benefits. No strings attached.

Or maybe I’ll be a bottom and play with several different people.

Would this new direction harm my soul or set it free?

I guess I’ll never know unless I try.

Where the Light Enters

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” Rumi


I thought the wounds from my past were substantial until you left a hole in my heart so wide that its quivering walls began to crack open, revealing the vulnerable soul hidden inside.

Each cell in my body is on fire. I am pain and beauty and love.

Though I want to surrender to unending sleep, I continue on my journey. But how am I supposed to navigate life when my compass refuses to work?

My tears speak of my undying love for a man who has released me from his service. If two enter a D/s relationship together, it seems cruel that only one gets to decide when it ends.

But then again, in any relationship, one is all it takes. The moment a soul inches away from another, the ties that bind them together stretch and strain until they finally snap.

Though you let me go and I said goodbye, we forgot to tell my heart. She still believes, still hopes.

Once she yielded to your commands–tender and firm, loving and dominant–she never turned back. She transformed and now I can no longer control her.

You released me, but my heart is still in bondage.

I told her we’re not doing this again; love hurts too much. I told her to close and protect herself. She won’t listen. She just keeps opening like a rose welcoming the morning sun, leaving herself more and more exposed every day.

If Rumi was right, then I am about to burn as bright as the sun.


Expansion Sculpture by Paige Bradley

Too Many Words

When you broke up with me, you did it with such love and sadness. Your last words–which sent me into a fit of sobs–were:

“I love you my darling so so so very much. I do not have the words.”

Well, apparently, I’m full of them. In fact, they won’t stop coming. I can’t stop trying to contact you, I can’t stop hoping you’ll change your mind.

Seriously, where is my pride? Have I completely lost all my dignity?

Today I took the first step towards letting go of you. After half a dozen unanswered messages, I said goodbye.

Goodbye, Sir James, my first Dom.
Goodbye, James, love of my life.
Goodbye, dreams for a happy ending.

With no word from you, I can only assume that I’ve become quite a nuisance. So I’m trying hard to stop pleading, explaining, professing and asking. But I swear, the minute I pressed SEND on that text, my chest caved in. I couldn’t breathe and I ran to the bathroom to cry. It was as if a part of me had been ripped out. Within minutes, it was too much to bear.

I can’t believe this is happening to us! I can’t believe I won’t be able to call you, Sir or My Love anymore. I’ll never hear you call me MDS (My Darling Sub) or My Love again.

We made plans, James. Wonderful plans.

You’re the only one that knows all my secrets, all my hidden wounds.

What am I supposed to do now that you’ve abandoned me?

Oh, that’s right, you do not have the words.


This image by Juan Osborne is based on a picture from Michael Ezra.

Where Has All the Color Gone?

What is this coldness in my chest, this gnawing pain that tortures me day and night? Oh, it’s the absence of you.

When you left you took all the color from my world. Now I’m locked in a gray, unsaturated prison of grief that remembers it once danced among a field of crimson flowers.


Photograph by Ideami, from the series, Loneliness.

Is it so Easy to Let Me Go?

“There were many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream-whatever that dream might be.”

Pearl Buck

Today was a cold, dark day, and not just because of the weather. I don’t know what it was that triggered it, but I was completely lost.

I had to run to the ladies’ room to cry, then I cried all the way home from work.

I reached out to you by getting back on WhatsApp. You haven’t read it yet. There’s a tiny shred of hope that you’ll reply, but I doubt it will make any difference.

I just don’t understand how you could excise me from your life with such surgical precision. We connected almost every single day for 16 months, James, and then nothing. It’s shocking to me and disturbing. It makes me wonder if you really loved me as much as you said you did.

I never loved anyone like I love you and being apart from you is tearing me to pieces. Yet not a word from you. Is it so easy to let me go?

I keep going through the past months in my head and how much love you said you had for me. But you never said I was the love of your life. You never said you had never loved anyone like you loved me. Even in my darkest days I cannot believe that you didn’t love me at all, but now I think you didn’t love me enough; certainly not as much as I loved you. That wound is going to leave a permanent mark in my psyche.

You said you were letting me go because you were becoming a burden to me. But that can’t be. I never said anything like that to you or made you feel that way. I have no idea where you got that from. God knows I have a lot going on in my life and maybe I was the one burdening you.

I can be a lot. I know that.

Or maybe you just stopped loving me. I hear there are people that can do that.

Guess what? I’m not one of them.

You’re a Hard Habit to Break

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.” Peter Ustinov

You’re supposed to be able to break a habit in three weeks. Well, it has been over three weeks, James, and you still have quite the hold on me. It’s like you’re in my blood, coursing through my veins.

I know that loving someone like that is a noble thing, but what good is nobility if its reward is pain?

You gave me wings. You were the first person who saw me as I truly was and accepted me. Or am I wrong? Because if you had truly seen me, you wouldn’t have left just because you were sick.

As I’ve tried to tell you, I would take you healthy or sick. If you had 30 hours or 30 years, I would have gladly gone along for the ride, no matter how bumpy or difficult it was. It would have been my honor.

The fact that you didn’t give me a chance to be with you at your darkest hour, especially if this illness takes your life, is cruel. You would never be a burden, James. Why can’t you see that? Why won’t you let me love you like that? Is it a Dom’s pride or do you really think it is the right thing to do?

All I know is that it feels completely wrong to me. You took something away from me; stole it. Now you’ll never know love’s full, healing power.


Painting: Cupid and Psyche by Eugene Medard (1878)