My Christian Grey Confessions

Okay, I admit it, I read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and it turned me on. I was swept away by the story.

The play scenes in the movie were hot, yet pretty tame. And James Dornan is freaking sexy! Behold…

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Is it how a Dominant/submissive relationship actually works? Not at all. Was it the best written series ever? Hardly. Was Anastasia how I want to be seen as a submissive. No way!

The woman who introduced me to the lifestyle told me that it wasn’t a guidebook to a healthy, kinky relationship, and yet, it was still titillating. I have to agree.

When there’s dominance and bondage involved, it’s hard for me to be logical and behave myself. All my good judgment goes right out the window along with morality and ethics.

The truth is that the stories held my interest even though I wished some things were different.

I’m often asked by my vanilla friends where Fifty Shades missed the mark. This is the humble opinion of someone who is not only a submissive in a 24/7 relationship with a Dom, but also from someone who writes erotica. So here it is, a subs point of view of what’s wrong with Fifty Shades of Grey.

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Submissive women are rarely that overtly submissive.

Like, at all. Subs are badasses. We are tough cookies with a brave and adventurous streak. Our brains won’t shut up and we are more than capable of handling our lives and the lives of others when it’s called for. Most of us are intelligent, witty and thoughtful. How we express our submission is diverse and evolving.

The submissives I know are incredibly strong women with careers, degrees and brains. Some of them can even kick your ass. You have been warned.

In many cases, it takes us a long time to come to terms with our submission. In the lifestyle, you can see people discovering their submission in their forties and beyond. It isn’t something you take lightly.

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“I don’t make love. I fuck… hard.”

“I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of man, I don’t do romance.”

Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey

Dominant men are not all about fucking hard.

Sorry, Christian Grey! The truth is that many Doms are proud to call themselves romantics. They are not one note lovers. They can be harsh, strict, loving, tender, mean, chivalrous and challenging; sometimes all at once.

Mind you, they do love to fuck hard, but they can also make slow, sweet love to you. That’s the true Fifty Shades of a real-life dominant.

Seems silly to state this, but I feel I must. Not all Doms are billionaires with shredded abs. They’re not all young and good-looking either. They’re just people and come from all walks of life and come in all shapes and sizes.

We need to understand that in fiction all the characters and their relationships are blown out of proportion for our entertainment. They are pure fantasy. Everyone is young and beautiful and their relationships are explosive and passionate all the time. Reality doesn’t work that way.

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Doms and subs all come from abusive childhoods.

This is misleading because so many of us have experienced abuse in childhood in one way or another. Take this statistic for sexual abuse: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18 (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2006). This means there are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the U.S. alone. That’s staggering! And there are other forms of abuse on top of that: emotional abuse, neglect, endangerment and the list goes on. Because Doms and subs are human beings, many of them have come from tough childhoods just like many vanilla people. The difference is that we are usually more aware of what the abuse meant to us than the rest of the population.

Sometimes we use play to work out some of these issues and sometimes we don’t. I believe it’s crucial for those of us in the lifestyle to look at our childhood and do whatever we can to heal our wounds and understand ourselves. If we do this, we can make sure we are making healthy choices, especially since our play can sometimes have elements of danger.

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BDSM and Dominant submissive relationships are the same thing.

First, what does BDSM stand for?

  • B: Bondage
  • D: Dominance and/or Discipline
  • S: Submission or Sadism
  • M: Masochism

BDSM and a Dominant/submissive relationship can work together or independent of each other. It’s important to note that BDSM porn usually gets it incredibly wrong and focuses on the most extreme situations in the BDSM spectrum; often with no regard to safety, consent, reality or sanity.

D/s (a shortcut for a Dominant/submissive relationship) is about who you are, BDSM is about what you do during play. Some Dominant and submissives don’t play or they play in a limited way. And some people that engage in BDSM want no part of a D/s relationship.

If you want to explore the scene, the lifestyle, BDSM, etc., I suggest that you do a lot of reading, join fetlife.com and attend a local munch.

Please do not look for Doms online if you are just starting out. There are a lot of predators out there that will pitch themselves as Doms, but are just horrible sick people.

Even if they are real Doms, you aren’t ready to play yet and there are different Doms for different subs. Trust me, you need to slow down and pace yourself.

So how do you get started as a submissive or Dominant?

If you live in a medium to large city, get involved with the local community and attend events. Munches are lunch or dinner in a public place with your regular vanilla clothes were you can talk to all sorts of people who have been in the lifestyle for a while.

Christian Grey is the Best Dom Ever.

Lawd, no, he isn’t! He is manipulating, controlling and a terrible communicator.

Remember at the end of the first book (or the end of the first movie) when Ana asks Christian to show her his worst? And he does!

No responsible Dom is going to do that. Period.

He does have an awesome playroom, though. That’s what our dungeon wants to look like when it grows up. Hehehe.

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Final Thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey.

Even though I just wrote 1,000 words on what is wrong with this series, I would be remiss not to give kudos to E.L. James for her marketing savvy, storytelling abilities and for tapping into the dark fantasies of women.

The trilogy may not be accurate or the best written series of erotica, but it was engaging, funny, sexy and sweet.

Yes, the relationship was dysfunctional, but so are most romantic and erotic relationships in fiction. They’re written to turn you on, they are not meant to be a blueprint on how to lead your life.

With all its flaws, I hope Fifty Shades of Grey lets people be more accepting of a lifestyle they don’t understand. That would be a good thing for everyone.

 

Do you Believe in Life after Love?

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”

Steve Maraboli

It’s been four months since my last post. Life has been crazy, but there was no way I was going to miss Valentine’s Day.

This morning I woke up to my Dom’s hand on my thigh as he whispered, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” It was a 180 degree change from where I was this time last year.

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For all of us that have suffered a heartbreak and have felt the soul-crushing loneliness that lies in its wake, you need to hear this. If you’re a submissive who has been released, discarded or broken up with by your Dom/me, you must hear this.

On February 8, 2015, my first Dom, James, broke up with me in a heart-wrenching letter, to spare me–or so he said–from having to care for him through a life-threatening illness. In doing so he shattered me as if I had been made of porcelain and he had dropped me from the top of a three-story building.

I would never abandon a sick lover; that’s not how love works, it’s not how I work. The fact that James took that choice away from me in order to maintain his pride is something that will haunt me forever. I have never felt as much despair and emotional pain as I did that day. Breaking up in a vanilla relationship is one thing, but breaking up in a D/s relationship is something entirely different. One is getting cut with a knife, the other is getting stabbed repeatedly with a broad sword.

Though I didn’t have the date written down, my body and heart remembered. On the one year anniversary of my breakup, I felt a hard, cold knot in my chest. I didn’t know what it was at first. I dismissed it as anxiety and tried to move on with my day, but my heart wouldn’t let me.

I cried during my morning shower, letting the water mix with my tears, hoping to wash these emotions away. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. I’m happy now and in a D/s relationship with a wonderful man. What was wrong with me?

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God, the universe, or whatever you want to call The Powers That Be, would not let me forget. In addition to feeling “off” I received an IM from two long-lost relatives just after that one-year anniversary. One of them suggested we chat on WhatsApp instead of Messenger. That’s where James and I talked the most. I had deleted the app from my phone; after I downloaded it again, the memories kept flooding back. The wound I had worked so hard to heal, re-opened.

I didn’t tell my Dom what I was feeling. Honestly, until I wrote this post, I’m not sure I understood it myself.

All I know is that my current Dom is in it for long haul. He never makes me wonder where I stand or whether or not he’s completely invested in our relationship. I always know he loves me, he’s committed and he’s not going anywhere. And what an amazing feeling that is!

I’ll be honest with you, I tried to resist David’s love and our relationship. I wanted to be on my own and wanted nothing to do with love. But damn it, he loves me so well that despite all my protests, I had to finally take a deep breath and submit my body, my heart and my soul to him.

There’s a great article about the first time you fall in love after a breakup and how much you’ll freak out and resist it: http://thoughtcatalog.com/stephanie-palma/2016/01/the-first-time-you-fall-in-love-after-heartbreak/

I’m relieved I wasn’t the only one that had all those crazy thoughts in their head!

Maybe all the loss I’ve experienced makes me more grateful that David is my Dom and my love. He has also gone through loss and knows the scars it leaves behind. It’s almost as if our past losses unite us even more. We are a team.

Do I believe in life after love? Oh, yes.

It’s almost exactly one year after one of the most horrible losses in my life and I’m in love again. I’m happy. I feel secure in my relationship. I’m also still learning how to love him. Love is not just a feeling, it’s a string of consistent, deliberate actions. I understand that more now than ever.

On this Valentine’s Day, I wish you love in its many forms. Whether you are trying to love yourself or actively seeking love with another, just remember that bliss is just around the corner.

“What you seek is seeking you.”

Rumi

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Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss, 1793 AD by Antonio Canova

 

Manifesting My Dom

I want to love you wildly. I don’t want words, but inarticulate cries, meaningless, from the bottom of my most primitive being, that flow from my belly like honey. A piercing joy, that leaves me empty, conquered, silenced.

~Anais Nin

NOTE: This post is long and detailed with more information than most of you will care to read. It’s best if you just go on about your day. Unless you’re a hot, single Dom with a twitchy palm, a love of bondage and a sensual tender side, then by all means, keep reading!

I’ve been reading a great deal lately about “manifesting” your own reality. This is the concept that we create our future through our thoughts, actions and intentions.

Two years ago I would say this was bullshit, but it happened to me with my first Dom. I didn’t mean to conjure him up, but by God, I did.

I was writing my first erotic novella. The main character was a sensual Dom who was nurturing, protective, yet quite wicked. He had an accent, blue eyes and a love of bondage. Before I could even finish the novella, Sir James, a Dom with all of those qualities and more, showed up. I used to tell him that all the time. “It’s like I conjured you up.”

James is gone now and my heart has a hole the size of the Grand Canyon where he used to be. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a love like his again. It sure doesn’t feel like it right now. Still, I have to at least try to find happiness, don’t I?

If conjuring a Dom from my own words worked once, maybe it will work again.

So here is my effort at manifesting my Dom. Do you hear me, God, Universe, Karma, Cupid? This is what I want.

The Basics

Single or divorced. Monogamous and faithful. I don’t mind if he has children. Honestly, that would be a bonus for me since I never had any of my own.

Non-violent (kink doesn’t count), in control of himself and kind to furry animals. Stable in his emotions and finances.

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Physical

Must-Have

I’m pretty flexible here, with few exceptions. I like tall men. If you read my blog post, My First Time, you’ll notice that I have an affinity for contrast when it comes to couples. I want my man to tower over me. That shouldn’t be too hard since I’m only 5 feet tall.

My other must-have is someone that cares for their appearance and their health. That means they eat right, exercise, are well-groomed and have excellent hygiene. I don’t want him to be obsessed with his looks; I find that unattractive and shallow, especially in a man, but he needs to take some pride in how he looks. No pretty boys, though, I want a man with some ruggedness to him.

My Dream Dom must carry himself with calm, dominant confidence. This is not to be confused with arrogance or cockiness. This dominance must be tempered with tenderness, gentleness and compassion.

He can be black, white, blonde, bearded, bald. It really doesn’t matter.

Want

Well-defined muscles, particularly biceps and abs. I don’t know why that turns me on so much, but it does. Oh, and a nice ass. Yum.

Another major turn-on is if he’s a martial artist/boxer or athlete. I have been all of those things myself, so it really excites me when a man has that much physicality to him. Men who are sporty like that tend to be good in bed. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it! 😉





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Emotional

This is hugely important. I’m driven by my emotions. Though my man doesn’t have to match how I express my emotions, he needs to have a heart and be able to express and articulate his feelings, at least with me.

He must be passionate about his love for me and about something else, whether it be his work, a cause, his family or a hobby. My man will tell me how much he loves me often, and better yet, he will show me. I am extremely loving myself so that would be a good match.

It’s imperative that he guards my emotions and doesn’t play with them. No emotional sadists for me.

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Psychological

Trust is a biggie for me, especially these days when it has taken quite a beating. I want a man with good mental health who is honest and open about who he is and what he wants.

It’s also helpful for a Dom to understand psychology and be able to manipulate it during and after play. Emotional intelligence is a beautiful thing.

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Intellectual

I love smart, literate men. Sex begins in the brain, after all, so we better make that brain as big and powerful and creative as possible.

I need a man who is well-read and can lose himself in a book. Oh, and I really need him to know how to spell and use proper grammar. At least most of the time. Pretty please! The writer in me just can’t handle it.

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Creative

I believe that my creativity is a great asset as a human being and as a lover. My man must possess creative qualities and a wicked imagination.

Extra points if he’s involved in the arts in some way: painter, photographer, dancer, writer, musician.

Can you imagine what it’s like to be with a man that can paint like this? Serge Marshennikov, I’m looking at you!

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Spiritual

Another big one for me. Whether he belongs to a major religious group or not, I want him to have a sense of the Divine. I want my man to know there is something out there greater than himself, something beautiful and powerful.

He will extend this sense of the transcendent into our D/s relationship, embracing the fact that it is a deep spiritual connection and it is sacred, even if the things we do to each other are a bit profane.

It would be fabulous if he could be a wild-child Christian like I am. I’ve never had that in a relationship. Ever. I would love to go to my crazy, liberal church with a man who wants to be there for his own spiritual growth, not a man who is just there because he thinks it will make me happy.

His Dominant Style

Unless this is the first blog post of mine you’ve read, you’ll know that I’m a sub and I need my man to be a Dom. Period.

My Dom should have two sides to his nature: one, a bit sadistic and controlling, the other tender and sensual. That’s the best combination, isn’t it? Yes, I’m all about having the best of two worlds.deep submission

Here’s another thing. I’m very submissive. My first Dom said I was more submissive than most and I believe that’s true. Therefore, I want my Dom to be very Dominant. I may even want to experiment with being a slave. I just find so much joy in pleasing a Dom. It consumes me, really. Nothing else matters than his pleasure.

What is he into? Well, here’s my list: kissing, seduction, bondage, discipline, spanking, flogging, role playing… did I mention bondage?

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Miscellaneous

No more long-distance relationships. That’s too painful and difficult to manage. He will live in my neck of the woods or be willing to move here. Unless he lives in Hawaii and I’ll promptly pack my bags!

I would prefer a man that is five years younger or five years older than me. My first Dom was four years younger and that dynamic worked quite well.

I love men with foreign accents. I don’t know why, but it’s been like that since day one for me. I get such a thrill from hearing my name spoken in an accent different than my own. Of course, this is not a must-have, but damn…

I like heroic types. I have serious heroic tendencies myself, so it’s nice to find a kindred spirit. That doesn’t mean he has to be a firefighter or a soldier, it means that he puts himself out there to help others who can’t help themselves.

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I would prefer for him to be wealthy so that I wouldn’t have to work a regular job. My goal is to just concentrate on my writing. Wealth would be icing on the cake. Isn’t it too bad that all Doms aren’t billionaires? I mean, where’s my Charlie Tango? Hehehe.

Before you think I’m a gold-digger, you need to realize that I make a high salary myself. Most men aren’t secure enough to have their women make more money than they make, but odds are that I do make way more money than they do. If they’re wealthy, that problem goes away. I grew up wealthy and it sure did make life easier.

And there you go, that’s what I want. Feel free to add anything in your comments that you think I may have missed!