“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”
It’s been four months since my last post. Life has been crazy, but there was no way I was going to miss Valentine’s Day.
This morning I woke up to my Dom’s hand on my thigh as he whispered, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” It was a 180 degree change from where I was this time last year.
For all of us that have suffered a heartbreak and have felt the soul-crushing loneliness that lies in its wake, you need to hear this. If you’re a submissive who has been released, discarded or broken up with by your Dom/me, you must hear this.
On February 8, 2015, my first Dom, James, broke up with me in a heart-wrenching letter, to spare me–or so he said–from having to care for him through a life-threatening illness. In doing so he shattered me as if I had been made of porcelain and he had dropped me from the top of a three-story building.
I would never abandon a sick lover; that’s not how love works, it’s not how I work. The fact that James took that choice away from me in order to maintain his pride is something that will haunt me forever. I have never felt as much despair and emotional pain as I did that day. Breaking up in a vanilla relationship is one thing, but breaking up in a D/s relationship is something entirely different. One is getting cut with a knife, the other is getting stabbed repeatedly with a broad sword.
Though I didn’t have the date written down, my body and heart remembered. On the one year anniversary of my breakup, I felt a hard, cold knot in my chest. I didn’t know what it was at first. I dismissed it as anxiety and tried to move on with my day, but my heart wouldn’t let me.
I cried during my morning shower, letting the water mix with my tears, hoping to wash these emotions away. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. I’m happy now and in a D/s relationship with a wonderful man. What was wrong with me?
God, the universe, or whatever you want to call The Powers That Be, would not let me forget. In addition to feeling “off” I received an IM from two long-lost relatives just after that one-year anniversary. One of them suggested we chat on WhatsApp instead of Messenger. That’s where James and I talked the most. I had deleted the app from my phone; after I downloaded it again, the memories kept flooding back. The wound I had worked so hard to heal, re-opened.
I didn’t tell my Dom what I was feeling. Honestly, until I wrote this post, I’m not sure I understood it myself.
All I know is that my current Dom is in it for long haul. He never makes me wonder where I stand or whether or not he’s completely invested in our relationship. I always know he loves me, he’s committed and he’s not going anywhere. And what an amazing feeling that is!
I’ll be honest with you, I tried to resist David’s love and our relationship. I wanted to be on my own and wanted nothing to do with love. But damn it, he loves me so well that despite all my protests, I had to finally take a deep breath and submit my body, my heart and my soul to him.
There’s a great article about the first time you fall in love after a breakup and how much you’ll freak out and resist it: http://thoughtcatalog.com/stephanie-palma/2016/01/the-first-time-you-fall-in-love-after-heartbreak/
I’m relieved I wasn’t the only one that had all those crazy thoughts in their head!
Maybe all the loss I’ve experienced makes me more grateful that David is my Dom and my love. He has also gone through loss and knows the scars it leaves behind. It’s almost as if our past losses unite us even more. We are a team.
Do I believe in life after love? Oh, yes.
It’s almost exactly one year after one of the most horrible losses in my life and I’m in love again. I’m happy. I feel secure in my relationship. I’m also still learning how to love him. Love is not just a feeling, it’s a string of consistent, deliberate actions. I understand that more now than ever.
On this Valentine’s Day, I wish you love in its many forms. Whether you are trying to love yourself or actively seeking love with another, just remember that bliss is just around the corner.
“What you seek is seeking you.”
Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss, 1793 AD by Antonio Canova