dominant blindfolding a submissive

Your D/s Relationship: You’re Doing it Wrong

When you judge another,
you do not define them,
you define yourself.
~ Wayne Dyer

Call it naivete or wishful thinking, but I was really hoping that people in the lifestyle would be less judgmental. For the most part, I’m right. God knows I have met some extraordinary open-minded people from all walks of life that love kink. What bothers me is that in a world where kinksters are judged so harshly by the outside world, could we at least refrain in criticizing each other?

Very early on in my journey in this lifestyle, I joined a BDSM women’s group on Facebook. I was commenting on a blog post along with other people in a fun, jovial matter and used the word pussy. One woman, a submissive, totally shamed me for using the word. She pointed out that this was not a porn page. I had used the word quite tamely without any explicit comments or as an insult to anyone. I was shocked and confused.

I mean, I have a pussy I’m quite fond of. It’s a perfectly wonderful word. I also like cock, ass, tits… but I digress.

After watching that page for a couple of weeks it became obvious that the women in this group were a bunch of snobs who thought they were above everyone else. They only talked about the non-sexual aspects of living in D/s or M/s relationships and frowned upon naked pictures or naughty language.

nun holier than thou

They probably lifted their pinky fingers while giving hand jobs.

I left the group and joined another group that was comprised of mostly Dominant men. They posted explicit, but mostly tasteful erotic images depicting BDSM activities. Some of the men even engaged in harmless flirting with unattached group members. Still, nobody made me feel bad or ashamed or threatened like the BDSM Miss Manners group did.

I found this curious and filed it away.

This Spring I attended a workshop taught by a renowned Master and his slave. He talked about all the different ways there are to “be” in the lifestyle. How labels are meaningless and how we should all embrace having our own unique relationships, even if they break the mold of what people think those relationships should look like.

Works for me! After all I’m a dominant woman who loves to submit to one man. Outside of that relationship, I’m not very submissive at all and yet I’m 100% sub with him.

Okay, here’s the reason why I’m writing this. Something happened today that really burned my biscuits.

I posted a journal entry on Fet where I talked about how I had taken off my panties for a Dom on our second meeting. While most people loved the post and wrote lovely comments, a couple of other people–okay, one in particular–tried to shame me for doing what I did.

Really? 

Can’t we as people who have more exotic tastes than most give each other a break? Especially women. Shouldn’t we protect each other, support each other and lift each other up? Haven’t we been shamed, oppressed and silenced for long enough?

In a lifestyle where a sub can have a slave who is a Top to a Switch who plays with a Dom that likes to get flogged, you’d think we would get over ourselves!

You want to know why I took my panties off? Because I damn well wanted to! Because I was owning my erotic power and felt his dancing with mine and they both melted together in an absolutely beautiful moment of shared sensuality.

black bra panties and stockings

Not that it matters, because it doesn’t, but we had been talking on Fet for a few days before that night and during that meeting where I took off my panties for him we did not have sex or engage in any sexual activity.

So why the mean-spirited response: “I would never do THAT!” Meaning that my actions offended her sensibilities in some way.

I guess I just expected more from another woman in the lifestyle. I’m disappointed and I’m pissed.

Of course, I later found out that she had been turned down by the same Dom that took off my panties. So that’s what this is–plain old jealous, catty behavior. For crying out loud, grow up. Now I almost feel sorry for her because that’s just pathetic.

I don’t have time for that crap or for people that would judge me or anyone else for living their lives the way they want to live them.

I will not be hateful or cruel to any other sub because she gets more attention than I do or is prettier than I am or younger or more awesome in any way. I’m going to celebrate the beautiful unique creature that she is as long as she’s not hurting anyone in the process.

That’s how being an adult works. It’s really not that hard.

I reserve my judgment for predators who exploit minors, the mentally ill or animals. Those people deserve judgment and punishment, I do not.

I was just living in the moment and expressing myself.

Let’s pretend there are 100 different activities that fall under BDSM and I am probably only interested in 15. That doesn’t give me the right to shame another fellow kinkster for doing something that turns me off or even disgusts me. There’s an easy fix to that–I won’t watch it or engage in it.

*sigh* I don’t like getting this worked up. It’s time to let this go.

Now that I’ve purged my feelings, I must go answer her snarky comment.

Deep breath…

Published by

Un Sub

Just an anonymous sub trying to figure out how to mend her broken heart and start living again.

4 thoughts on “Your D/s Relationship: You’re Doing it Wrong”

  1. Ha! I think I may have met those women in person. I went to this group and it was just horrible, judgmental, might I add mostly single submissives. It was the day I knew… I might be his slave, but I have a really strong Domme streak. They would have died if they knew how freely I throw around the word cunt. One woman actually had a problem with my title of slave, imagine, in this lifestyle? I haven’t been back since. Hold your head high and know (at least here) very few judgements are made.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s