Too Many Words

When you broke up with me, you did it with such love and sadness. Your last words–which sent me into a fit of sobs–were:

“I love you my darling so so so very much. I do not have the words.”

Well, apparently, I’m full of them. In fact, they won’t stop coming. I can’t stop trying to contact you, I can’t stop hoping you’ll change your mind.

Seriously, where is my pride? Have I completely lost all my dignity?

Today I took the first step towards letting go of you. After half a dozen unanswered messages, I said goodbye.

Goodbye, Sir James, my first Dom.
Goodbye, James, love of my life.
Goodbye, dreams for a happy ending.

With no word from you, I can only assume that I’ve become quite a nuisance. So I’m trying hard to stop pleading, explaining, professing and asking. But I swear, the minute I pressed SEND on that text, my chest caved in. I couldn’t breathe and I ran to the bathroom to cry. It was as if a part of me had been ripped out. Within minutes, it was too much to bear.

I can’t believe this is happening to us! I can’t believe I won’t be able to call you, Sir or My Love anymore. I’ll never hear you call me MDS (My Darling Sub) or My Love again.

We made plans, James. Wonderful plans.

You’re the only one that knows all my secrets, all my hidden wounds.

What am I supposed to do now that you’ve abandoned me?

Oh, that’s right, you do not have the words.

This image by Juan Osborne is based on a picture from Michael Ezra.

Published by

Un Sub

Just an anonymous sub trying to figure out how to mend her broken heart and start living again.

6 thoughts on “Too Many Words”

  1. What beautiful writing you show through your sorrow and anguish. Keep expressing yourself, let it all out, and know that it WILL get better. Not today, and probably not tomorrow, but soon you will feel like living again. Until then, write.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I was abandoned like this once, the same silent wall standing against the torrent of my words, begging pleading and praying for just one word in response. Yes it feels like the is no ground beneath your feet.

    When I went through it I clung to the love I had for him desperately, never once feeling angry at the coldness of his silence, just hurt. Just sad. Just wanting the love we shared to come back.

    It took 4 years for him to respond, and during that entire time I tortured myself, never getting past the devotion I had to him. Never once getting angry. I made excuses for him. It wasn’t until I learned to let that anger out (ironically at his insistence) that the little girl inside be began to heal.

    I know you’re clinging to hope, and only you will know when it’s time to give up… But I’m just giving you a gentle warning not to do what I did. He’s hurting you. He’s ignoring your pain. (I’m sure he gets his reasons, that doesn’t make it OK.) So when you reach that point that you know it’s really over, give that little part of you inside validation and importance and let her be angry. Tender hearts deserve better treatment. You deserve better treatment. I deserved better treatment.

    Sometimes the pedestal we fight to keep them on is our emotional prison. Sometimes the pedestal crumbles and we hold then up with our spirt anyway… Crushing ourselves in the process.

    I sincerely hope he hears your anguish and comforts you, guides you through this ending, if it is inevitable (that is his responsibility), or returns to you and understands that silence is never the solution.

    Huge hugs too you sweetheart.
    I feel your pain.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow… What a story. And so similar to mine. I am trying to consciously let him go for both our sakes, but it hasn’t completely happened. I have gotten angry, but mostly it’s just so confusing. How can someone go from 60 to 0 in one day. Maybe I’ll never understand, but I do need to keep trying to let go. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me!


  3. I can feel your pain through your words. I had a partner who used too many words. He lied to me and frequently manipulated my thoughts. How can someone supposedly love you but never tell you his real name? He wasn’t the person he said he was and continues to manipulate and fool people he is involved and associated with. How can someone who supposedly loves you tell other individuals so many untruths about you, call you a liar, and try to talk you into staying with him after you ask for release? Too many words or lack of words tell a lot about a person. In my opinion, it is all about control.

    Liked by 1 person

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