My First Release

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

Three weeks ago today, my Dom, the man I thought I would be with forever, released me. Since then I’ve been sinking slowly in to a dark vacuum of despair; questioning my place in this world.

In my heart I felt I was created to love him; to heal him. And he felt his mission was the same. At least that’s what he said. I’m questioning so many things now.

We were star-crossed from the start. I live in Austin, TX and he lives in London. In the 16 months of our relationship, Sir James and I never met. We Skyped, chatted and emailed almost every single day without fail. Though I never touched him, it was the most intense love affair I’ve ever had.

On February 15, 2014, Sir James and I entered a D/s relationship that would be one of the most fulfilling and beautiful things I’ve ever done in my life. A week shy of our one-year anniversary he ended it with a sad, heartfelt letter.

He did it for altruistic reasons, at least that’s his side of the story. I’m not so sure. I’ll tell you the story on this blog and you can be the judge.

Now that the spell is broken, though the love still has a hold on me, I can look back at all the unanswered questions. He was a mystery from the beginning and maybe I liked that, but mysteries are not always meant to be solved.

After he released me, I begged him several times to reconsider, but as of today I haven’t heard one single word from him. My messages, like many of my prayers, remain unanswered. My heart continues to disintegrate.

I don’t want to become the psycho ex-sub who can’t let go. So instead I’m going to tell him and whoever else wants to listen, exactly what he meant to me and where I am in my struggle to survive the biggest heartbreak of my life.

Everything on this blog is real. It comes from my gut, my heart and my soul.

This is my story.

Painting: Biblis by William Adolphe Bouguereau (1884).


Published by

Un Sub

Just an anonymous sub trying to figure out how to mend her broken heart and start living again.

4 thoughts on “My First Release”

  1. I have also been released from my first Dom 2 years ago. I never let go. For 2 years I held onto my crush and I messaged him every 3 to 6 months on Facebook and Skype but got no answer until 2 weeks ago. He really didn’t seem interested in talking to me, but i held onto hope. I’ve got another Dom now and I’m letting go of the past, I am dumbfounded as to why I held on so long. After being with my Dom for a few days I managed to remove the former one from my EP account and from Skype, but not yet from FB. He’d have to directly insult me for that, we can still be pleasant, right? I removed stories about him from EP but they remain on my blog. I don’t know what to think of my very first Dom now, but I’ve moved on and my heart is no longer broken. I hope that you will be able to do so as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Thank you so much for your comment! It really means a lot when it comes from someone who has been there. D/s relationships can be so intense, so intimate, that having it end can be devastating.

      James was my first Dom too and I don’t know what to think either. I’m so glad you’ve been able to move on and find joy!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. D/s relationships whether online or in person can be very deep. I had an online Dom before and it was one of the most fulfilling relationships I’ve had until I met my live in-person Dom. Nothing compares to living the lifestyle in person. If he released you then perhaps it will be the path to you finding someone to share your life with truly. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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