My Christian Grey Confessions

Okay, I admit it, I read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and it turned me on. I was swept away by the story.

The play scenes in the movie were hot, yet pretty tame. And James Dornan is freaking sexy! Behold…

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Is it how a Dominant/submissive relationship actually works? Not at all. Was it the best written series ever? Hardly. Was Anastasia how I want to be seen as a submissive. No way!

The woman who introduced me to the lifestyle told me that it wasn’t a guidebook to a healthy, kinky relationship, and yet, it was still titillating. I have to agree.

When there’s dominance and bondage involved, it’s hard for me to be logical and behave myself. All my good judgment goes right out the window along with morality and ethics.

The truth is that the stories held my interest even though I wished some things were different.

I’m often asked by my vanilla friends where Fifty Shades missed the mark. This is the humble opinion of someone who is not only a submissive in a 24/7 relationship with a Dom, but also from someone who writes erotica. So here it is, a subs point of view of what’s wrong with Fifty Shades of Grey.

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Submissive women are rarely that overtly submissive.

Like, at all. Subs are badasses. We are tough cookies with a brave and adventurous streak. Our brains won’t shut up and we are more than capable of handling our lives and the lives of others when it’s called for. Most of us are intelligent, witty and thoughtful. How we express our submission is diverse and evolving.

The submissives I know are incredibly strong women with careers, degrees and brains. Some of them can even kick your ass. You have been warned.

In many cases, it takes us a long time to come to terms with our submission. In the lifestyle, you can see people discovering their submission in their forties and beyond. It isn’t something you take lightly.

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“I don’t make love. I fuck… hard.”

“I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of man, I don’t do romance.”

Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey

Dominant men are not all about fucking hard.

Sorry, Christian Grey! The truth is that many Doms are proud to call themselves romantics. They are not one note lovers. They can be harsh, strict, loving, tender, mean, chivalrous and challenging; sometimes all at once.

Mind you, they do love to fuck hard, but they can also make slow, sweet love to you. That’s the true Fifty Shades of a real-life dominant.

Seems silly to state this, but I feel I must. Not all Doms are billionaires with shredded abs. They’re not all young and good-looking either. They’re just people and come from all walks of life and come in all shapes and sizes.

We need to understand that in fiction all the characters and their relationships are blown out of proportion for our entertainment. They are pure fantasy. Everyone is young and beautiful and their relationships are explosive and passionate all the time. Reality doesn’t work that way.

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Doms and subs all come from abusive childhoods.

This is misleading because so many of us have experienced abuse in childhood in one way or another. Take this statistic for sexual abuse: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18 (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2006). This means there are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the U.S. alone. That’s staggering! And there are other forms of abuse on top of that: emotional abuse, neglect, endangerment and the list goes on. Because Doms and subs are human beings, many of them have come from tough childhoods just like many vanilla people. The difference is that we are usually more aware of what the abuse meant to us than the rest of the population.

Sometimes we use play to work out some of these issues and sometimes we don’t. I believe it’s crucial for those of us in the lifestyle to look at our childhood and do whatever we can to heal our wounds and understand ourselves. If we do this, we can make sure we are making healthy choices, especially since our play can sometimes have elements of danger.

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BDSM and Dominant submissive relationships are the same thing.

First, what does BDSM stand for?

  • B: Bondage
  • D: Dominance and/or Discipline
  • S: Submission or Sadism
  • M: Masochism

BDSM and a Dominant/submissive relationship can work together or independent of each other. It’s important to note that BDSM porn usually gets it incredibly wrong and focuses on the most extreme situations in the BDSM spectrum; often with no regard to safety, consent, reality or sanity.

D/s (a shortcut for a Dominant/submissive relationship) is about who you are, BDSM is about what you do during play. Some Dominant and submissives don’t play or they play in a limited way. And some people that engage in BDSM want no part of a D/s relationship.

If you want to explore the scene, the lifestyle, BDSM, etc., I suggest that you do a lot of reading, join fetlife.com and attend a local munch.

Please do not look for Doms online if you are just starting out. There are a lot of predators out there that will pitch themselves as Doms, but are just horrible sick people.

Even if they are real Doms, you aren’t ready to play yet and there are different Doms for different subs. Trust me, you need to slow down and pace yourself.

So how do you get started as a submissive or Dominant?

If you live in a medium to large city, get involved with the local community and attend events. Munches are lunch or dinner in a public place with your regular vanilla clothes were you can talk to all sorts of people who have been in the lifestyle for a while.

Christian Grey is the Best Dom Ever.

Lawd, no, he isn’t! He is manipulating, controlling and a terrible communicator.

Remember at the end of the first book (or the end of the first movie) when Ana asks Christian to show her his worst? And he does!

No responsible Dom is going to do that. Period.

He does have an awesome playroom, though. That’s what our dungeon wants to look like when it grows up. Hehehe.

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Final Thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey.

Even though I just wrote 1,000 words on what is wrong with this series, I would be remiss not to give kudos to E.L. James for her marketing savvy, storytelling abilities and for tapping into the dark fantasies of women.

The trilogy may not be accurate or the best written series of erotica, but it was engaging, funny, sexy and sweet.

Yes, the relationship was dysfunctional, but so are most romantic and erotic relationships in fiction. They’re written to turn you on, they are not meant to be a blueprint on how to lead your life.

With all its flaws, I hope Fifty Shades of Grey lets people be more accepting of a lifestyle they don’t understand. That would be a good thing for everyone.

 

Do you Believe in Life after Love?

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”

Steve Maraboli

It’s been four months since my last post. Life has been crazy, but there was no way I was going to miss Valentine’s Day.

This morning I woke up to my Dom’s hand on my thigh as he whispered, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” It was a 180 degree change from where I was this time last year.

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For all of us that have suffered a heartbreak and have felt the soul-crushing loneliness that lies in its wake, you need to hear this. If you’re a submissive who has been released, discarded or broken up with by your Dom/me, you must hear this.

On February 8, 2015, my first Dom, James, broke up with me in a heart-wrenching letter, to spare me–or so he said–from having to care for him through a life-threatening illness. In doing so he shattered me as if I had been made of porcelain and he had dropped me from the top of a three-story building.

I would never abandon a sick lover; that’s not how love works, it’s not how I work. The fact that James took that choice away from me in order to maintain his pride is something that will haunt me forever. I have never felt as much despair and emotional pain as I did that day. Breaking up in a vanilla relationship is one thing, but breaking up in a D/s relationship is something entirely different. One is getting cut with a knife, the other is getting stabbed repeatedly with a broad sword.

Though I didn’t have the date written down, my body and heart remembered. On the one year anniversary of my breakup, I felt a hard, cold knot in my chest. I didn’t know what it was at first. I dismissed it as anxiety and tried to move on with my day, but my heart wouldn’t let me.

I cried during my morning shower, letting the water mix with my tears, hoping to wash these emotions away. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. I’m happy now and in a D/s relationship with a wonderful man. What was wrong with me?

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God, the universe, or whatever you want to call The Powers That Be, would not let me forget. In addition to feeling “off” I received an IM from two long-lost relatives just after that one-year anniversary. One of them suggested we chat on WhatsApp instead of Messenger. That’s where James and I talked the most. I had deleted the app from my phone; after I downloaded it again, the memories kept flooding back. The wound I had worked so hard to heal, re-opened.

I didn’t tell my Dom what I was feeling. Honestly, until I wrote this post, I’m not sure I understood it myself.

All I know is that my current Dom is in it for long haul. He never makes me wonder where I stand or whether or not he’s completely invested in our relationship. I always know he loves me, he’s committed and he’s not going anywhere. And what an amazing feeling that is!

I’ll be honest with you, I tried to resist David’s love and our relationship. I wanted to be on my own and wanted nothing to do with love. But damn it, he loves me so well that despite all my protests, I had to finally take a deep breath and submit my body, my heart and my soul to him.

There’s a great article about the first time you fall in love after a breakup and how much you’ll freak out and resist it: http://thoughtcatalog.com/stephanie-palma/2016/01/the-first-time-you-fall-in-love-after-heartbreak/

I’m relieved I wasn’t the only one that had all those crazy thoughts in their head!

Maybe all the loss I’ve experienced makes me more grateful that David is my Dom and my love. He has also gone through loss and knows the scars it leaves behind. It’s almost as if our past losses unite us even more. We are a team.

Do I believe in life after love? Oh, yes.

It’s almost exactly one year after one of the most horrible losses in my life and I’m in love again. I’m happy. I feel secure in my relationship. I’m also still learning how to love him. Love is not just a feeling, it’s a string of consistent, deliberate actions. I understand that more now than ever.

On this Valentine’s Day, I wish you love in its many forms. Whether you are trying to love yourself or actively seeking love with another, just remember that bliss is just around the corner.

“What you seek is seeking you.”

Rumi

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Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss, 1793 AD by Antonio Canova

 

Getting in Touch with my Inner Kajira

Growing up Protestant, I was jealous of my Catholic friends who enjoyed the rich traditions and rituals of their brand of Christianity.

I loved the drama, the nudity, the raw passion portrayed in the stained glass windows and the realistic sculptures. There was so much intensity to it and it inexplicably turned me on.

I guess you can say that if God was on Facebook, our relationship status would say, It’s Complicated.

I identify as 100% Christian, but I’m not afraid of exploring rituals and traditions from other religions and cultures.

I am especially fascinated by ritual of all kinds, but as I grew to discover more of my sexuality, I realized that it was erotic ritual that truly fed my soul.

I used to love to watch cheesy movies about virgins getting sacrificed to volcanoes or an evil god. I know, it’s wrong. Yet it feels so right to think of myself tied up spread eagle on a cold stone slab, my thin white nightgown ripped apart to reveal my breasts, glistening with sweat.

David and I hadn’t dated long when we started talking about this side of me. I told him I was reading the Gor books and getting quite a kick out of them. He smiled and on our next date he brought me the most amazing little book. It contained beautifully drawn illustrations of all the Gorean poses and their names.

My jaw dropped. These stylized poses opened up something inside of me. Maybe it was that fantasy I kept having about being a slave, but more than a slave really; someone who could combine the erotic with the spiritual.

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A few years back, I had taken up belly dancing. I loved how it connected me to my body, to my primal sensuality. These poses had the same effect.

He left the book with me and said I should study them. There was going to be a quiz and failing it would come with consequences.

Oh, my.

Well, I wasn’t going to let that happen!

I studied the book, memorized the poses, the names, felt myself slip into the role of Kajira, a woman whose sole purpose in life is to please a man sexually.

When it was time for the quiz, he had me strip naked. I felt my body vibrate as I obediently did each pose as he called them out in random order. My pussy swelled as the wetness pooled in my sacred spot.

Posing as a slave for David was beyond arousing. He made me feel so sensual, almost supernatural, really. His Dominance and power over me were intoxicating.

erotic slave

As far as the quiz, I passed with flying colors. And in doing so, I opened up a door to a whole new, exotic world.

Your D/s Relationship: You’re Doing it Wrong

When you judge another,
you do not define them,
you define yourself.
~ Wayne Dyer

Call it naivete or wishful thinking, but I was really hoping that people in the lifestyle would be less judgmental. For the most part, I’m right. God knows I have met some extraordinary open-minded people from all walks of life that love kink. What bothers me is that in a world where kinksters are judged so harshly by the outside world, could we at least refrain in criticizing each other?

Very early on in my journey in this lifestyle, I joined a BDSM women’s group on Facebook. I was commenting on a blog post along with other people in a fun, jovial matter and used the word pussy. One woman, a submissive, totally shamed me for using the word. She pointed out that this was not a porn page. I had used the word quite tamely without any explicit comments or as an insult to anyone. I was shocked and confused.

I mean, I have a pussy I’m quite fond of. It’s a perfectly wonderful word. I also like cock, ass, tits… but I digress.

After watching that page for a couple of weeks it became obvious that the women in this group were a bunch of snobs who thought they were above everyone else. They only talked about the non-sexual aspects of living in D/s or M/s relationships and frowned upon naked pictures or naughty language.

nun holier than thou

They probably lifted their pinky fingers while giving hand jobs.

I left the group and joined another group that was comprised of mostly Dominant men. They posted explicit, but mostly tasteful erotic images depicting BDSM activities. Some of the men even engaged in harmless flirting with unattached group members. Still, nobody made me feel bad or ashamed or threatened like the BDSM Miss Manners group did.

I found this curious and filed it away.

This Spring I attended a workshop taught by a renowned Master and his slave. He talked about all the different ways there are to “be” in the lifestyle. How labels are meaningless and how we should all embrace having our own unique relationships, even if they break the mold of what people think those relationships should look like.

Works for me! After all I’m a dominant woman who loves to submit to one man. Outside of that relationship, I’m not very submissive at all and yet I’m 100% sub with him.

Okay, here’s the reason why I’m writing this. Something happened today that really burned my biscuits.

I posted a journal entry on Fet where I talked about how I had taken off my panties for a Dom on our second meeting. While most people loved the post and wrote lovely comments, a couple of other people–okay, one in particular–tried to shame me for doing what I did.

Really? 

Can’t we as people who have more exotic tastes than most give each other a break? Especially women. Shouldn’t we protect each other, support each other and lift each other up? Haven’t we been shamed, oppressed and silenced for long enough?

In a lifestyle where a sub can have a slave who is a Top to a Switch who plays with a Dom that likes to get flogged, you’d think we would get over ourselves!

You want to know why I took my panties off? Because I damn well wanted to! Because I was owning my erotic power and felt his dancing with mine and they both melted together in an absolutely beautiful moment of shared sensuality.

black bra panties and stockings

Not that it matters, because it doesn’t, but we had been talking on Fet for a few days before that night and during that meeting where I took off my panties for him we did not have sex or engage in any sexual activity.

So why the mean-spirited response: “I would never do THAT!” Meaning that my actions offended her sensibilities in some way.

I guess I just expected more from another woman in the lifestyle. I’m disappointed and I’m pissed.

Of course, I later found out that she had been turned down by the same Dom that took off my panties. So that’s what this is–plain old jealous, catty behavior. For crying out loud, grow up. Now I almost feel sorry for her because that’s just pathetic.

I don’t have time for that crap or for people that would judge me or anyone else for living their lives the way they want to live them.

I will not be hateful or cruel to any other sub because she gets more attention than I do or is prettier than I am or younger or more awesome in any way. I’m going to celebrate the beautiful unique creature that she is as long as she’s not hurting anyone in the process.

That’s how being an adult works. It’s really not that hard.

I reserve my judgment for predators who exploit minors, the mentally ill or animals. Those people deserve judgment and punishment, I do not.

I was just living in the moment and expressing myself.

Let’s pretend there are 100 different activities that fall under BDSM and I am probably only interested in 15. That doesn’t give me the right to shame another fellow kinkster for doing something that turns me off or even disgusts me. There’s an easy fix to that–I won’t watch it or engage in it.

*sigh* I don’t like getting this worked up. It’s time to let this go.

Now that I’ve purged my feelings, I must go answer her snarky comment.

Deep breath…

The Master Appears

“When the student is ready, the Master appears.”
~ Buddhist Proverb

It has been more than six months since I wrote a single word.

My life has taken yet another unexpected turn and it has me going through some exhilarating growing pains.

It all started in March, just a few days after my last blog post. My friend and fellow sub invited me to a social and then a munch. At the munch I met a nice man, an unattached Dom I will call David, though that is not his name.

He didn’t seem terribly interested in me. This didn’t surprise me since I was pretty sure I wasn’t a very interesting person.

Though I had been a sub in a long distance relationship for a year and a half, I had never attended munches, socials or parties. Meeting other people like me was a huge step and one that I’ll always be grateful I took.

Through my dear friend in the lifestyle, David asked if he could contact me. She assured me he wasn’t a serial killer and that he was well respected in the scene, so I said yes.

This was his very first message to me on FetLife:

So… I was thinking about trying to make the party tonight and was wondering if you thought there was a reason I should be there.

I told him I would be there and the butterflies started flying around in my stomach.

Here’s how I thought things would go at the party: we would meet, talk for a bit and then he would get bored or I would get bored and then we would have to figure out that awkward, “It’s not you, it’s me,” speech.

So much for assumptions.

He showed up in a polo shirt and jeans wearing a gun and a shit-eating grin. All 6’2″ of Domness.

He had a head of thick salt and pepper hair, a beard and blue eyes. His legs were long and gorgeous and his ass is the kind of ass you would expect a sub to have. Yummy.

I was wearing a little black dress with strappy heels. A tame, yet tasteful outfit, which probably made me look incredibly vanilla.

I had never been to a kinky party before and it was much more laid back than I thought it would be. Most people dressed just like anyone would at a friend’s party. The Dom/mes weren’t lurking in the shadows ready to eat the new subs for dinner. At least, I don’t think so…

What happened in the next few hours was surreal. David and I sat in the aftercare room of a dungeon in Buttfuck, TX (that wasn’t the city’s name, but you get the idea) talking, flirting and kissing as we heard the intermittent sounds of subs screaming and floggers whacking bare behinds in the rooms all around us.

He said he hardly ever kisses anyone, especially not someone he hardly knew. And there we were, making out like teenagers. 10 Points to the Heartbroken Sub!

His kisses melted my insides and I was soaking through my black lace panties, the ones with the heart-shaped opening in the back. Without much ceremony, he hooked his big fingers under the soft fabric and slipped them off me.

Uh-oh.

Turns out Mr. Big Bad Dom doesn’t care for panties, even if they’re the expensive Victoria Secret kind.

I thought I was still in control of myself until he grabbed a fistful of my blonde curls and pulled my head back, exposing my neck like a vampire about to feed. Sweet Jesus. Something inside me that had been asleep for a while woke up as I entered the point of no return.

Dom pulling sub's hair

But he didn’t escalate things. Even after the party was wrapping up, we were still sitting there on the velvet couch exploring our faces, mouths and fingers.

I said this on my last blog post, just days before I met David:

After the initial shock and devastation of my release, I’ve been haunted by a primal desire to be reborn. I fantasize about a powerful, sadistic Dom who can metaphorically kill the woman I once was and replace her with someone else; a new creation who no longer hurts like I’m hurting now.

I had no idea what a truly dangerous place that was. If David had wanted to, he could have destroyed me. I was that vulnerable at the time; that raw.

David asked me out the next morning for dinner. He picked me up in his truck, checked to make sure I wasn’t wearing the forbidden panties, handcuffed my wrists behind me and took me to a restaurant near downtown Austin. How awesome is that?

He was nice enough to uncuff me before we went in the restaurant and relished the view as I ungracefully got out of his truck with my short, flared skirt.

We went out again the next night and the next.

I wanted to have sex with him and he said… No!

Turns out he’s an old-fashioned guy. Imagine that.

We talked and got to know each other more in the coming days. It didn’t take long before we made love for the first time.

The sex was amazing, but more than that it was connected. It was physical and spiritual and intimate. He didn’t tie me to the bed and whip me into submission, he came at me gently, sweetly with complete control.

A sensual Dominant.

Dom kissing sub

In the next few installments of my blog I will tell you about our relationship and where we are now.

I know, I’m such a tease…

Now What?

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

Only a few weeks ago, I thought James and I would be together forever. I just knew we would grow old together and our love and our bond would deepen with each passing year.

I was wrong.

Now, I’m a sub without a Dom; a lover without love. I feel lost.

I’m much too raw to look for another Dom, at least not now. I believe that love like that comes once, maybe twice, in a lifetime. Now that I’ve lost it, the odds are against me.

So what happens to me now? What does a sub do when she doesn’t want to pursue love, yet needs a teacher, a guide, someone to care for her? Who will calm her, let our her wildness and hold her tight when it gets to be too much?

I have a few options; options that both frighten and exhilarate me.

I took a BDSM test yesterday. Here are my highest scores:

  1. 100% Bondage Receiver
  2. 91% Submissive
  3. 88% Masochist
  4. 88% Slave
  5. 71% Experimentalist
  6. 71% Girl/Boy

My top result, Bondage Receiver, is no surprise. I love to be restrained and played with; to feel completely powerless. The second and third on the list are a given. It was the fourth score that gave me pause: 88% slave.

Truth is I’ve always been intrigued by the Master/slave relationship. But after my breakup, it’s almost all I can think of.

After the initial shock and devastation of my release, I’ve been haunted by a primal desire to be reborn. I fantasize about a powerful, sadistic Dom who can metaphorically kill the woman I once was and replace her with someone else; a new creation who no longer hurts like I’m hurting now.

A fellow sub said she had felt the same need after her last release. This fascinated me. I was not alone in this strange fantasy.

Why would a sub want a Dominant to destroy her, obliterate her and create her again from scratch?

I’m not sure I know the answer. What I do know is that I have some choices to make in my life.

  • Look for Him; my dream Dom, the man I want to spend the rest of my life pleasing
  • Get out of the lifestyle altogether and hope for the best
  • Try something different, a new life that allows me to have sexual and psychological release without worrying about love or “forever”

I’m not strong enough now to look for my dream Dom and there’s no way I’m going to a vanilla life again. That means I have to reinvent myself. But into what? A bottom? A slave? A playmate?

Does that mean I’ll have to have sex for the sake of pleasure alone without mixing it with love? Can I do that? Should I do that?

Ah, that is the question.

I’ve been approached by a few Doms the past few days. One in particular has me thinking. He is married in an open relationship with his sub. They both like to play outside of the marriage. They have asked me if I would consider being with them. I told them I wasn’t sure and that’s the truth.

There are other options too.

I could find a Dom friend that wants to remain a free agent. We could be friends with benefits. No strings attached.

Or maybe I’ll be a bottom and play with several different people.

Would this new direction harm my soul or set it free?

I guess I’ll never know unless I try.

Manifesting My Dom

I want to love you wildly. I don’t want words, but inarticulate cries, meaningless, from the bottom of my most primitive being, that flow from my belly like honey. A piercing joy, that leaves me empty, conquered, silenced.

~Anais Nin

NOTE: This post is long and detailed with more information than most of you will care to read. It’s best if you just go on about your day. Unless you’re a hot, single Dom with a twitchy palm, a love of bondage and a sensual tender side, then by all means, keep reading!

I’ve been reading a great deal lately about “manifesting” your own reality. This is the concept that we create our future through our thoughts, actions and intentions.

Two years ago I would say this was bullshit, but it happened to me with my first Dom. I didn’t mean to conjure him up, but by God, I did.

I was writing my first erotic novella. The main character was a sensual Dom who was nurturing, protective, yet quite wicked. He had an accent, blue eyes and a love of bondage. Before I could even finish the novella, Sir James, a Dom with all of those qualities and more, showed up. I used to tell him that all the time. “It’s like I conjured you up.”

James is gone now and my heart has a hole the size of the Grand Canyon where he used to be. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a love like his again. It sure doesn’t feel like it right now. Still, I have to at least try to find happiness, don’t I?

If conjuring a Dom from my own words worked once, maybe it will work again.

So here is my effort at manifesting my Dom. Do you hear me, God, Universe, Karma, Cupid? This is what I want.

The Basics

Single or divorced. Monogamous and faithful. I don’t mind if he has children. Honestly, that would be a bonus for me since I never had any of my own.

Non-violent (kink doesn’t count), in control of himself and kind to furry animals. Stable in his emotions and finances.

man licking lips

Physical

Must-Have

I’m pretty flexible here, with few exceptions. I like tall men. If you read my blog post, My First Time, you’ll notice that I have an affinity for contrast when it comes to couples. I want my man to tower over me. That shouldn’t be too hard since I’m only 5 feet tall.

My other must-have is someone that cares for their appearance and their health. That means they eat right, exercise, are well-groomed and have excellent hygiene. I don’t want him to be obsessed with his looks; I find that unattractive and shallow, especially in a man, but he needs to take some pride in how he looks. No pretty boys, though, I want a man with some ruggedness to him.

My Dream Dom must carry himself with calm, dominant confidence. This is not to be confused with arrogance or cockiness. This dominance must be tempered with tenderness, gentleness and compassion.

He can be black, white, blonde, bearded, bald. It really doesn’t matter.

Want

Well-defined muscles, particularly biceps and abs. I don’t know why that turns me on so much, but it does. Oh, and a nice ass. Yum.

Another major turn-on is if he’s a martial artist/boxer or athlete. I have been all of those things myself, so it really excites me when a man has that much physicality to him. Men who are sporty like that tend to be good in bed. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it! 😉





ryanreynolds

Emotional

This is hugely important. I’m driven by my emotions. Though my man doesn’t have to match how I express my emotions, he needs to have a heart and be able to express and articulate his feelings, at least with me.

He must be passionate about his love for me and about something else, whether it be his work, a cause, his family or a hobby. My man will tell me how much he loves me often, and better yet, he will show me. I am extremely loving myself so that would be a good match.

It’s imperative that he guards my emotions and doesn’t play with them. No emotional sadists for me.

hair pulling

Psychological

Trust is a biggie for me, especially these days when it has taken quite a beating. I want a man with good mental health who is honest and open about who he is and what he wants.

It’s also helpful for a Dom to understand psychology and be able to manipulate it during and after play. Emotional intelligence is a beautiful thing.

Michael Fassbender

Intellectual

I love smart, literate men. Sex begins in the brain, after all, so we better make that brain as big and powerful and creative as possible.

I need a man who is well-read and can lose himself in a book. Oh, and I really need him to know how to spell and use proper grammar. At least most of the time. Pretty please! The writer in me just can’t handle it.

hotguyreading

Creative

I believe that my creativity is a great asset as a human being and as a lover. My man must possess creative qualities and a wicked imagination.

Extra points if he’s involved in the arts in some way: painter, photographer, dancer, writer, musician.

Can you imagine what it’s like to be with a man that can paint like this? Serge Marshennikov, I’m looking at you!

sergeipainting

Spiritual

Another big one for me. Whether he belongs to a major religious group or not, I want him to have a sense of the Divine. I want my man to know there is something out there greater than himself, something beautiful and powerful.

He will extend this sense of the transcendent into our D/s relationship, embracing the fact that it is a deep spiritual connection and it is sacred, even if the things we do to each other are a bit profane.

It would be fabulous if he could be a wild-child Christian like I am. I’ve never had that in a relationship. Ever. I would love to go to my crazy, liberal church with a man who wants to be there for his own spiritual growth, not a man who is just there because he thinks it will make me happy.

His Dominant Style

Unless this is the first blog post of mine you’ve read, you’ll know that I’m a sub and I need my man to be a Dom. Period.

My Dom should have two sides to his nature: one, a bit sadistic and controlling, the other tender and sensual. That’s the best combination, isn’t it? Yes, I’m all about having the best of two worlds.deep submission

Here’s another thing. I’m very submissive. My first Dom said I was more submissive than most and I believe that’s true. Therefore, I want my Dom to be very Dominant. I may even want to experiment with being a slave. I just find so much joy in pleasing a Dom. It consumes me, really. Nothing else matters than his pleasure.

What is he into? Well, here’s my list: kissing, seduction, bondage, discipline, spanking, flogging, role playing… did I mention bondage?

bondage

Miscellaneous

No more long-distance relationships. That’s too painful and difficult to manage. He will live in my neck of the woods or be willing to move here. Unless he lives in Hawaii and I’ll promptly pack my bags!

I would prefer a man that is five years younger or five years older than me. My first Dom was four years younger and that dynamic worked quite well.

I love men with foreign accents. I don’t know why, but it’s been like that since day one for me. I get such a thrill from hearing my name spoken in an accent different than my own. Of course, this is not a must-have, but damn…

I like heroic types. I have serious heroic tendencies myself, so it’s nice to find a kindred spirit. That doesn’t mean he has to be a firefighter or a soldier, it means that he puts himself out there to help others who can’t help themselves.

soldiersavingcat

I would prefer for him to be wealthy so that I wouldn’t have to work a regular job. My goal is to just concentrate on my writing. Wealth would be icing on the cake. Isn’t it too bad that all Doms aren’t billionaires? I mean, where’s my Charlie Tango? Hehehe.

Before you think I’m a gold-digger, you need to realize that I make a high salary myself. Most men aren’t secure enough to have their women make more money than they make, but odds are that I do make way more money than they do. If they’re wealthy, that problem goes away. I grew up wealthy and it sure did make life easier.

And there you go, that’s what I want. Feel free to add anything in your comments that you think I may have missed!